2.5.1 Phenomenon 2: The Dark Night of the Soul
"The dark night of the soul" is a predominantly Christian term for a phenomenon known in all mystical traditions. It refers to a phase of profound inner desolation, in which the presence of God can no longer be felt.
The "dark night of the soul" in Buddhism:
In meditative practice, deep crises are often described, such as the “nanas” (stages of insight) in the Vipassana tradition. These include stages like the “knowledge of arising and passing away” (which often begins with euphoria), followed by the “knowledge of suffering” (dukkha-nana), which is marked by frustration, confusion, and existential fears. This phase precedes deep liberation.
Mystics, who have already experienced the inner bliss of the divine presence through their deep prayer life, particularly suffer when this state suddenly disappears.
It is a feeling of deep loneliness and abandonment. This phase could also be described as a spiritual crisis or a deep crisis of faith. It is often accompanied by great doubts and disillusionment.
Yet all deeply devout people go through such crises and, after overcoming them, experience a deepening and renewal of their faith. Faith becomes more mature and grounded. In this sense, the dark night of the soul is a natural part of the path to God.
Natural fluctuations in our sense of God's presence
There are also natural fluctuations in how close we feel to God.
Emanuel Swedenborg describes how even angels in heaven do not always live in the same nearness to God. He refers to all spirit beings as angels, including departed human souls. They go through phases in which they are more self-focused.
During such times, they feel deep sadness and long for the phase to pass. These are followed by periods in which they feel close to God again and are filled with bliss.
Sun Myung Moon speaks in this context of the “four seasons of the mind,” in which our inner feelings change naturally. These cyclical changes do not occur only over long periods but even within a single day:
- Morning – Spring
- Noon/Afternoon – Summer
- Early Evening – Autumn
- Night – Winter
Each of these times of day also contains within itself all four seasons. These fluctuations arise from the rotation of the gate of the mind (the spirit-mind).
When our spiritual sensitivity is open, we can feel the times when we can reach God most deeply in prayer.
I myself often experience a deep longing for prayer at different times of day - sometimes in the afternoon, sometimes in the middle of the night, around 3 a.m., when I am awakened by dreams.
These natural fluctuations, however, are not the "dark night of the soul." They are more an expression of an inner movement.
The dark night of the soul is a profound crisis
The dark night of the soul, on the other hand, is a massive spiritual crisis. It is part of a deep process of restoration that is meant to bring about a fundamental inner transformation.
Going through these phases prepares us for a great grace – a wonderful gift awaits us.
Every dark night of the soul contains a lesson and a message. In such a phase, we should therefore pay close attention to what God wants to teach us.
2.5.2 My Personal Experience with the Dark Night of the Soul
I had returned to practicing Zen meditation and traditional Christian prayers for some time. But I longed for a more direct experience of God. Deep down, I was already in a crisis of faith and felt desperate inside. I wanted to make a new attempt to enter into deeper prayer.
So I changed the way I practiced Zen meditation. What began as pure mindfulness meditation turned into a contemplation of God's presence. With every breath, I became aware that God is present in this very moment. I used a kind of mantra with the phrase:
"God is here now."
I practiced this prayer daily for about 90 minutes.
I had read and learned so much about God, but I wanted to free myself from all those concepts and encounter God as He truly is. I no longer wanted to confine Him to a box of thoughts and ideas.
I said to Him, “Even if you are not a good and loving God - I still want to experience you as you truly are.”
Over time, a feeling developed in this form of prayer that is difficult to put into words. It was as if I were sitting alone in a pitch-black, cold hall on a concrete floor. I felt empty and lonely. This feeling grew stronger over the following weeks and months.
The hall seemed to grow larger, the floor colder, the surroundings darker.
I pleaded silently with God for a sign - but nothing came. No light, no spark, no sound, no feeling.
Only complete silence, deepest darkness, and absolute emptiness.
Eventually, the hall expanded so vastly that it seemed to encompass the entire universe. I was alone in this infinite darkness.
No sign of God.
I asked myself why God couldn’t at least give me a small sign, since I was so desperately begging Him. During that time, I wrestled with Him. Sometimes, I even doubted His existence.
Then God led me to a group that practiced the Prayer of the Heart - which was, in essence, exactly what I had already been doing for half a year. There, someone recommended a book in which I read a passage about the seemingly silent God.
It was a great relief to learn that other contemplative Christians had gone through similar experiences.
Some time later, I came to understand what God was trying to show me through this darkness.
God is within me
Even though I was deeply immersed in prayer, I had still been looking for God outside of myself. I wanted a perceptible sign from Him. I had often read in the teachings of Sun Myung Moon that God dwells in the innermost heart - but I hadn’t truly internalized this in my meditation.
It’s possible to meditate without truly turning inward.
Only when I began to consciously learn this, a kind of heart meditation developed. The feeling of abandonment disappeared. Instead, a quiet, silent joy settled in my heart.
God cannot be directly perceived through the five senses
Later, I also realized that I wanted to perceive God through my senses.
But Buddha teaches that even our perceptions are empty. And Sun Myung Moon says that not even in the spirit world can God be directly perceived - for He is pure spirit, without form.
We become aware of the presence of God through an expansion of our consciousness and through our spiritual sensitivity. I will describe my experiences with this in a later chapter.
These were the lessons I was able to internalize through this "dark night of the soul." They led me on the path inward and formed the foundation for the experiences I will describe over the course of Chapter 2.