I found myself in a phase where, admittedly, I was somewhat depressed. I wasn’t feeling well internally.

It was winter, I had been overworking for a long time, and I was exhausted. The external situation couldn’t be changed in the short term, and there was no sign that it would improve anytime soon. In such life phases, I tend to slip into depression, as I’m naturally prone to it.

In my meditation, negative thoughts about other people constantly surfaced. Over time, it became increasingly clear to me what was going on inside of me: 

I felt bad and tried to feel better by internally devaluing and criticizing others.

Gradually, memories of situations from my past emerged - moments where I had done the very same thing.

The image I saw of myself filled my entire inner world. It felt as if I had spent my whole life doing nothing but putting others down in order to elevate myself.

In psychotherapy, the focus at this point might have been on rebuilding self-esteem. But on my path of prayer, something else became clear to me: I painfully became aware of this inner pattern.

I was horrified - even disgusted - by my own behavior. I was utterly fed up with myself.

I had already been through many years of psychotherapy, until psychologists told me that nothing more could be done - I would simply have to live with it. On top of that, I had nearly 40 years of walking a religious path behind me, and still I was the same.

I lost hope of being able to improve myself in this life. With all my supposed wisdom as an experienced family therapist, I had not succeeded in healing and changing deeply enough. 

I lost hope that I could ever truly change in this lifetime. Despite all my supposed wisdom as an experienced family therapist, I had not managed to heal or transform myself deeply enough. 

It felt like I was being worn down from the inside.

But it was precisely at that point that something significant happened. The greatest blessing of my inner life opened up to me:

I became willing to place myself completely in God's hands.

I asked God to change me - and that was the moment I began to experience the miracle of His working in me.