2.6.e How God Revealed the Principle of Repentance to Me
The concept of repentance often had a bitter aftertaste for me. At times, it felt like belittling or devaluing oneself.
I wondered why God would need our repentance if He loves us unconditionally. I don’t expect my own children to repent when they’ve hurt me. It’s enough for me if they open their hearts again. Then I can open mine as well, and all is well - the love can flow again.
The way God revealed this inner step to me was truly surprising. I’ll describe it through one experience.
It was during a time when, in prayer, situations repeatedly came up in which I had acted without love. I had always thought of myself as a loving person. But these situations showed me a different image of myself. Over time, they worked on me.
I began to allow them in and accepted this new view of myself.
This was followed by a deep, sad mood that lasted for several days.
No one is worthy of heavenly comfort who has not first diligently practiced holy contrition.
If you want your hard heart to soften and open again, go into your room and shut out the noise of the world.
As Scripture says: speak with your heart in your chamber until it becomes wounded and soft.
Then something indescribable happened. My wife and I went to the hardware store to buy materials for a renovation. As I entered the store, I was suddenly overcome by a strong sense of love.
I felt an unusually deep love for all people - would’ve liked to hug everyone.
It didn’t take long before people responded. One saleswoman told me she would be very sad when my renovation was finished and I wouldn’t be coming in anymore. A long and deeply personal conversation unfolded - something rather unusual in a hardware store. A place where craftsmen usually just get their supplies tends to be much more matter-of-fact.
This love that I felt did not come from me.
Though I felt it in my heart, it was not a typical emotion. It had an extraordinary intensity, and I felt completely filled by it.